Let Me Count The Ways... 

Melissa is currently still healing from the proctocolectomy that made her ieostomy a permanent fixture in her life. A large part of having an ostomy is the ability to make light of the realities of the lifesaving appliance you rely on. So to break up the monotony of checkups and medical worries. Melissa is thinking back to all the places she and ostomy love to go. Literally.

As I’ve learned to live with my ileostomy, the most liberating realizations have become my secret pleasures. In a world where people who have a regularly functioning colons and sphincters, humans have learned from toddlerhood to hold their poo until they are in the proper establishments. Given such names as bathroom, restroom, potty, loo, the head…the place is universal with worldwide understanding. Everyone, everywhere in the world has to poop and everyone, everywhere in the world does it in private…except for ostomates. 

So it is with complete enjoyment that I share with you my life with my traveling potty in my pants. 

I wake up and I’m full of poop. I’m in the shower and I’m pooping. I’m driving in my car and I don’t have to pull over because, you guessed it, I’m pooping. 

I‘m having lunch with my best friends and I don’t have to stop the conversation to use the powder room, because I’m pooping. I’m singing on stage and I’m dancing and I’m pooping. (And for the record, I am anything but a shitty singer.) 

I’m on the floor playing with my granddaughter and she has to run to the potty, but I don’t, cause I’m already there. I’m watching a really good movie and never have to run out during commercials because the rules no longer apply. Have you ever been to a huge stadium and the bathrooms are a mile away with a line just as long? Well it’s no longer a worry for me. I’ll hold your seat for you as you wait thirty minutes and miss half the main act.

Oh, and don’t you just hate it when you’re on the plane and have a window seat, and when nature calls, you have to climb over the old woman knitting and the business man on his laptop? Or when the captain turns the seatbelt light on and you need to pray you don’t have an accident? I’m good to go. Literally. 

I can saunter down 5th Ave in New York City, amidst hoards of people trying to find a decent restroom. But I got a smile on my face because no one knows that I have the best and cleanest port-a-potty in the world. 

That’s right…I’m dressed to the nines, drinking fine wines, and dining at a five star, roof top bars, but I won’t miss a shooting star…that’s right, I’m pooping. 

Another full day done and it’s time to crawl into bed. My husband wants sex but I have the best excuse in the world… 

Not tonight, dear. I’m pooping.

Melissa hopes that you found these tips useful and informative. But the biggest tip she has for you is to never let your ostomy stand in your way. It's not a death sentence, but a normal, medical appliance that allows you to travel and live your life. Yes it may be new and sometimes difficult, but it's still your amazing life to live. 

Facebook.com/NoYouCantcer   
Twitter.com/NoYouCantcer   
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Email: Noyoucantcer.Melissa@aol  
Phone: (609) 464-4647

1 comment

  • Viki

    Viki Galloway, NJ

    Only you could make an ileostomy sound like such a great thing! Thank you for bringing the struggles out into the light. Love you Melissa

    Only you could make an ileostomy sound like such a great thing! Thank you for bringing the struggles out into the light. Love you Melissa

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